At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
