i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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