Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
