I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
