im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
