Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
