He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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