how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
