I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
