Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
