We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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