I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
