my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
