At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
