I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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