He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
