JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
