Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
