Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
