ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
