there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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