20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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