I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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