dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
