His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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