I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
