I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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