I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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