my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
