Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
