just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Randomize
