I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize