I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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