I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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