I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
