Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
