The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
