lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
