Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize