Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
