the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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