nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
