Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
