I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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