make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize