i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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