I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
