im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
