I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize