id be glad to
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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