she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
