i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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