How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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