The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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