having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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