So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
