I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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