His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My vagina just recognized that song.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Blood and glitter go together right?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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