It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
