woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
