the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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